An email came from someone asking for advice on how to leave a church. The details don’t matter except that both the husband and wife have concluded that after years of being in one particular congregation, the time has come for them to find another place of worship. Partly it involves their children and partly it involves a desire to be part of a church with a strong outreach to the community. I don’t know exactly where these folks live or what sort of church they’ve been attending nor could I tell much about the inner life of the congregation, except that it sounded rather stagnant.

In any case, the question was not, “Should we leave?” but rather, “How should we leave?” Here is part of what I wrote in response:

Leaving a church is always difficult and there is no perfect way to do it, but there are some ways that are better and some ways that are worse.

Three words should guide your actions: 

Leave quickly.
Leave quietly.
Leave graciously.

Quickly means when you leave, you leave. Drawing out your exit rarely makes things better. It doesn’t help to “sort of” leave a church. When the time comes to leave, make your exit and go your way.

Quietly means you don’t try to explain yourself to others. In my judgment, you don’t owe a long explanation to every person in the church. If you have certain responsibilities in the church, you should let the leaders know so they can make proper plans. And quietly means you don’t write letters to the congregation or make a big announcement and you don’t try to explain yourself over and over again. That’s usually a big mistake. Sometimes people who leave a church try to control what other people say after they are gone. Forget about it. You can’t control what anyone says. Some people may be deeply hurt by your leaving. It may mean the end of some friendships. Certainly things will change. You can’t say, “I want to leave this church but I want all my relationships to stay the same.” I think you’ll find that some people relate to you primarily as a part of the church, and they won’t be able to have the same relationship with you when you are gone. You have to be willing to let that happen and not try to control things. Leaving means letting go.

Graciously means you refuse to speak evil of those who remain in the church. Look forward, not backward. Focus on your new church, not your old one. Think carefully before you speak about your former congregation. Don’t say anything that could be remotely construed as criticism. Even casual comments could stir up needless controversy. Let the Golden Rule guide all your comments public and private.

In the end, Christ is Lord both of your former church and your new church. He loves both with an everlasting love. Those churches were both there before you came along and both will be there after you are off the scene. The church of Jesus is so much larger than anything we can imagine—and God’s work is far bigger than our limited vision.

When the time comes to leave, leave. Don’t hesitate, dawdle, and don’t be like Lot’s wife who looked back. You may not turn into a pillar of salt but looking back will do no good either. So leave with a good heart, trusting that the same Lord is Lord over both churches. He will care for both congregations. You can be sure of that.

This week I received an email from someone I do not know asking for some advice. Recently they left the church they had attended for more than eight years. It wasn’t anything doctrinal and it apparently didn’t have anything to do with worship styles or mode or baptism or a new building program. They left because they were unhappy with the pastor. Here is what the person wrote:

The problem is with the senior pastor and his bullying of staff, deacons, and members. There has been about fifteen families that have left the church. That includes some staff, deacons and members. This has been a very hurtful time for many of these people. Some people have tried to talk with the senior pastor and he just blows them off. As I look back over the years I see a pattern of behavior that that has contributed to his caring only about his agenda.

I don’t know the name of the pastor or the church or the denomination or the location or anything other than what is written here. I have no way to evaluate the facts as they were presented to me. And I don’t know what process led to their decision to leave or how long it took. What I do know is that now they are in a new church and are very happy there. “It is such a joy to be in a healthy church.”

I agree with you 100%. You’re in a good church now where you and your wife can worship God with freedom and joy.

Let your old church go. Pray for the pastor and the leaders as they come to mind, but put your energy and your focus on the future, not the past.

I think your instincts are correct that meeting with your former pastor will do little good. I have been involved in meetings like that and they are rarely productive.

I have always felt that when you leave a church, leave

Quickly,
Quietly,
Graciously.

You don’t need to talk to anyone about why you left. Especially you don’t need to talk to those who are still in your old church. That can only entangle you in those problems.

And I wouldn’t discuss it with those who have left either.

Here is what I call the First Law of Spiritual Progress:

I can’t go back.
I can’t stay here.
I must go forward.

You have already made the hard decision to leave and now you have found a good church where you are blessed. Enjoy that and give thanks to God. And keep moving forward in your new church. Let the past be past and let God deal with your former pastor and the church. Give your energy to your new church and you will be happier for it.

I hope this helps.

Cordially,

Ray Pritchard

What do you think? I welcome your feedback.